I cannot seem to find the words to describe exactly how it feels to have fallen in love with someone and then lost them so unexpectedly to a choice of weakness.
I wasn’t looking for him yet, gosh, I wasn’t even expecting him to show up when he did. This time of my life I was purely focused on Jesus, my calling, and my book in progress. I knew I wanted a husband and to find the one of whom my soul would love, other than Christ, but that’s simply not where my focus was.
My mom and I went to a place where we had never been before, seeking to find more fiery people who desired to go deeper in God.
The second we walked in, He caught my eye, and the thought shot across my mind faster than I could reject, “He could be my future husband,” I immediately saw his beautiful and surrendered heart of worship to Christ.
I shoved the thought aside assuming that because of my past luck with guys if I was interested, he was not. I assumed I had no shot.
At the end of the night, when we were just a few feet from the door, He came up to us. He was quick to inform us of his name, Kyle, that He loved to worship, and was part of a men’s program. We greeted him back and went on our way.
That’s how it all started.
Through the following months, I learned about the program, that it was a Christian rehabilitation for men with addiction. I also learned that they had a rule about not talking to women… therefore I had to go 9 months with the silent treatment.
As time passed, and even though we couldn’t talk, my feelings towards Kyle grew. I felt a spiritual connection with him that I still cannot put into words. It felt almost like we were drawn together, and other people could feel it too.
The months of cold shoulder continued, my prayers about this connection multiplied, and my feelings grew.
Kyle finally graduated on November 5th. We could finally talk and I finally knew how he felt, to some degree, but I was too scared to tell him how I felt…
I had people praying for me and 2 people actually confirmed that God was in this and that He most likely was the one that I was going to marry. I could feel it too. I just knew that I was falling in love with this guy whom I barely knew in the flesh, but I felt like I knew 100% by his spirit.
Over the next few weeks of taking things super slow and talking went to a complete temporary halt, my heart continued falling.
I didn’t understand why or how it was possible to be so infatuated by someone you barely knew, but I just assumed I wasn’t supposed to understand it since God was in it, I was allowed to not understand. I had to allow myself to feel what I was feeling and not reject it as I did in the past.
The thing about love that I have learned is that it is absolutely terrifying and beautiful at the same time. It is a scary thing to know that your heart is in someone’s hands and there’s always a possibility of pain, because no one is perfect, and God is the only one who will never hurt you. Love makes you feel crazy sometimes. Loving someone gives you all kinds of new experiences and feelings that you’ve never known to exist prior to knowing that person.
Just the slightest “Hey you” text message sends butterflies from your head to your toes and brings a bright smile to your heart. It makes no sense, but man is it delightful.
Love is also painful.
You see, for weeks I had no idea that what I was feeling was real life. I didn’t know how it actually felt to be in love like this before. I hadn’t ever been in an actual relationship or have such strong and serious feelings for someone.
The night before He passed away, He and I sat and talked about our feelings for each other and about our relationship moving forward.
After Kyle and I had said goodnight, I stayed up to chat with my mom. I looked at her and said, “I love him,” and only eight hours later he was gone from this earth and into eternity.
Twenty steps; that’s how far away he was from help. Twenty steps from my house. Twenty steps from the authentic love of family. Twenty steps from the girl who dreamed of being his future wife.
What did it all come down to? A choice.
Kyle made a choice that I don’t think I will ever come to understand. He made a choice that costed his life. I know that he didn’t want it to. I know that it wasn’t his heart’s desire. But I also know that if you give the enemy one inch, he will take a mile. I know that just that one mistake allowed the enemy to come in and do what he does- steal, kill, and destroy.
As an author, and someone who loves to write and describe things, I should be able to explain how it felt.
The connection we shared,
The way my heart felt when I looked at his smiling face,
The perfect hugs he gave that seemed to pause time,
The love that existed between two people who only knew each other by the Spirit of God,
How it felt to see him struggling to cling to life,
How it shattered my heart to know that he wasn’t coming back,
How it stabs knowing there are no more possibilities of a future together,
I cannot explain these things in words, only tears.
I hoped that my tears will be held by God and used as prayers. Prayers that nobody will ever have to experience this kind of heartbreak.
Kyle will forever have a place in my heart and I believe a piece of me will always love him. Through all of this, the Holy Spirit has been my true comforter.
Me, knowing that God is all-knowing, immediately asked him why. “Why would you tell me it was okay? Why would you confirm that you were in this? Why would you let me fall in love with him knowing that He would never be my husband? God, what am I supposed to do?” I cried out over and over again.
Then, God answered me, He said, “Serena, you were a part of Kyle’s destiny, but he was not a part of your future,”