After Kyle passed away, and my heart was in complete and utter heartbreak, the enemy came in like a wrecking ball. He continuously tried to convince me to lose hope, telling me that I had lost my chance at love and marriage. He tried to get me to decide never to marry or fall in love again. I saw how love was risky, vulnerable, and look at how much pain falling in love had caused.
During those late nights, I was a mess, heartbroken beyond words, begging God to take me to heaven, repeating what had happened over and over and over again in my mind. Hearing the doctor’s report, going into the hospital room, seeing him and knowing he was not coming back. Telling myself what I could have said or done differently that last conversation, wishing I could go back in time, wondering why, and trying to make sense of it all. There were moments it would hit me like a ton of bricks, I would weep and it would hurt so bad it felt like I could barely catch a breath.
The Holy Spirit showed me true comfort in my hardest moments.
- In those times where pain overwhelmed me and I couldn’t pray, or worship.
- When it felt I had no desire to pursue God and only cried out to Him when I was begging for him to take me away from the pain.
- In those moments when the enemy took advantage of those moments of weakness, whispering in my ear that I was a failure, even currently failing God because I didn’t want to pray.
- During those times when my faith felt weak, my flesh, spirit, and soul were in battle… He was there.
- God was faithful. He held me by His Spirit as I wept. He reminded me of His great love for me, and that our relationship wasn’t based upon what I was doing to try to please him. He told me to be still, trust in Him, and receive His love.
Then there became the pursuit of forcing my flesh to submit and go to church when every part of me wanted to lie and bed and cry. The moments of crying out, “Jesus, help me!” when those three words were all I could get myself to pray. The continuous going up front to worship Him because He is worthy to be praised even if I couldn’t sing a single word. Where some days I would cry with my face to the floor because the heartbreak stopped me from standing strong.
IT WAS IN THOSE TIMES, in my pursuit of Him;
o When my tears became my prayers
o Where I refused to let go of my faith
o When I stood firm in knowing God did not take Kyle from me, it was purely the enemy
o When I denied the thoughts of the enemy over and over again
o Where I banned the pain from completely consuming me
o Asking Him “Why?” not out of a place of blame, but out of a heart of love and relationship with my heavenly Father
It was through all of that, in that fight, that relentless pursuit of Him that brought me to the place of receiving the deepest of healings. In those times of confusion, He brought me clarity and gave me the answers that I truly needed to understand.
Jesus healed my heart.
It was a Sunday morning during worship the band went into a spontaneous song. They were singing about God bringing us back to our “first love”, which is Jesus. I was worshipping on my knees and God told me to sing over my heart, to declare that my heart was healed, HE was my healer… In a moment, God showed me my broken heart.
I saw that it was split in half but each half was also broken. I then saw God put my heart together, and it looked to be made brand new. Then God said, “Your heart is healed. I have brought you back to Jesus, your first love.”
I was wrecked in four different ways all at once. All I could say was, “Thank you, Jesus” as I wept with thankfulness, which was so deep. I had never felt that depth of gratitude before or knew it was possible.
Since I had never known to lose Jesus as my first love, I didn’t know what it meant, or how it could happen. Once my heart had experienced that kind of pain and heartbreak, it felt like my passion for life, fire for Jesus, zeal for His presence, and my joy, were stolen from me. I didn’t know how to get any of those things back. It was because that pain had distracted me and separated me from my first love…
But God brought me back. It was a miracle, it was supernatural. I actually felt His presence. I felt my heart come back together. I felt healed. I was healed. I no longer wept out of pain but out of thanksgiving and praise.
There are no words to describe exactly how I felt at that moment, but it is a moment I will forever cherish and it forever marked my life.
I believe part of me will always love Kyle, and I still miss him often. I still get sad sometimes and wish He was here. I often think, “What would it be like if He were still here?” The thing is God has healed the heartbreak, so yes I still cry occasionally and I still care about him, but I don't feel pain in my heart… I know that might not make sense… it is difficult to explain the supernatural sometimes.
Grief can be powerful, and it will consume you if you let it… when you don’t know how to get out of it, God is bigger, He is greater, and His love is sufficient. God has taught me that you can come out of grief and still miss someone, still love them, and that is okay. Healing doesn’t mean your feelings about them are gone, but it means the pain is no longer.
Through all of this, God has proved His faithfulness to me. The Holy Spirit showed me a part of Him that was undeniable, the true Comforter. I am forever thankful!